Most of us with pets understand this feeling:
That sinking dread when you calculate how many years you have left.
Maybe if I had a secure attachment style, or I obeyed certain aspects of letting go, I’d find myself calmly rationalizing how many walks I have left. How many couch cuddles and games of fetch and those moments when they look at you like they know how much you love them. Those numbers would be in the thousands.
Selfishly, it would never be enough.
I am not religious (although I try to read a lot about spiritual practices), but I lean toward Buddhist beliefs. They comfort me.
I think of Thich Nhat Hanh’s version of the Five Remembrances:
I am of the nature to grow old. There is no way to escape growing old.
I am of the nature to have ill health. There is no way to escape ill health.
I am of the nature to die. There is no way to escape death.
All that is dear to me and everyone I love are of the nature to change. There is no way to escape being separated from them.
My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand.
I’m somewhat at ease with four of the five. Even the one in bold, I can say I accepted (with difficultly) the change that comes with loss early on. Grief was tantamount to my childhood and it seemed to follow me into my twenties and thirties. I guess the real truth is: why would anyone expect it to not follow them?
Maybe because it feels like I’ve never gotten a break.
The other night, I thought about my Gigi turning six. And how close six is to seven. And how close seven is to her average life expectancy of thirteen (fifteen if we keep her extra healthy). Time speeds up as we age, and I can’t seem to get a grip on the idea of noticing and letting go.
In some ways, the love I have for Gigi, and all of the joy I experience with her, is what intensifies my appreciation for the short time. And it is a short time. Everyone says it when they lose a pet.
Then there’s that famous fucking quote.
“You may only have a dog for part of your life, but for your dog, you are their whole life.”
(Daily Writing 004)
Thoughts?