for Gigi while I am away / if I die suddenly
Gigi is to be fed a total of four meals a day, which seems like a lot for her 7.8 lb frame, but she does not gain weight if her daily walks and play are adhered to.
It is imperative that Gigi eats this awful-looking Hill’s Prescription Diet c/d Multicare Low Fat Adult Urinary Care Vegetables & Turkey Stew Wet Dog Food, because she has a bladder condition and once scared the living daylights out of us with a pancreatitis episode, which apparently the c/d covers.
Gigi wakes up at 6:08 am every morning without fail. If you like, she can serve as your lightly whimpering alarm clock, which in my opinion sounds better than most other alarm sounds.
Gigi will wait rather cutely if you need your coffee first, then it is advisable to serve her food so she knows it’s waiting before you take her out to pee. When you return after she pees (hopefully promptly, but apologies if not—that is part of her residual bladder condition quirks), expect to see her do at least four to six spins before you put her 1/3 cup serving of food on the floor in an ideally beautifully made-in-America porcelain bowl (though I suspect she would eat it off any bowl, or even the floor of a sewer).
Gigi expects a dental bone after this, and if you don’t give her one, she will stare at you ominously until she finally gives up (I only know this from running out).
After she consumes this at an alarming pace, you may cuddle.
By the time the sun is gradually turning the sky a brighter hue of night, Gigi will expect you to start asking her if she would like to go for a walk. If you don’t, she will stare at you ominously until you finally give up.
Gigi expects a 30-minute walk on the weekdays and a 45–60 minute walk on the weekends. Trust me, she does.
When you return, Gigi will need her silky paws rinsed with medicated shampoo for yeast growth (aka that popcorn smell on the paws you think is cute is actually what they obsessively lick). Then I wipe them with lavender, she is toweled off, brushed, and receives second breakfast (about a tablespoon more of canned dog food).
While you prepare breakfast for yourself, if you do that sorta thing, please make sure Gigi receives a couple of slices of banana or apples (pear or nectarine in moderation) if you are including any of those in a dish. Apples are the most preferred.
Please be sure to take her out one more time before you leave for work or start your responsible adult-type things. Also be sure to position her dog bed somewhere near the window (blinds up) so she may lay in the sunbeam at her leisure.
She is to be served lunch at noon, or 11:45 if she is already annoying you by staring ominously (should you work at home).
By four o’clock she should be fed dinner, and this will be marked as serious fetch time. Only serious fetch players allowed. Please don’t be alarmed by the bark every time you throw the ball—it’s only genuine excitement, not aggression. When she suddenly stops fetch, it’s because she is parched and needs water. Please allow this to crack you up.
Another walk is permissible but not required; you can keep the evening one shorter.
Gigi’s treats are referred to as “crunchies” and they are prescription dog food, because I am terrified to give her anything other than the occasional fruit or vegetable that is allowed for a dog’s stomach, or prescription food. She loves her crunchies and will do tricks for them. You can:
- Have her spin right or left and jump on demand.
- Have her stick out her tongue on demand.
- Have her high five you with her paw.
- Have her give you her paw.
- Have her give you a kiss (adorably with no lick, just a boop to your mouth).
- Sit.
- Lay down.
She also loves playing a game called “Shoo shoo” where you throw the treat and she darts for it. You must say “Shoo shoo” every time you throw the treat. Bonus points if you really get into melodizing it.
Night routine comes with teeth wipes, ear wipes, and hair brushing before she settles in for cuddles and one more exasperating experience of trying to get her to pee before bed. Sometimes she just doesn’t, and that is the bladder condition. Don’t get frustrated. After all, she is just a little baby.
She is crated nightly. Please carry her upstairs, set her on the bed, and be sure that her blanket in her crate is smoothed out and not rumpled or rolled into a ball before you put her in. Please be sure to kiss her on top of her sweet little head and tell her that she is the most beautiful dog in the world, and really mean it with all of your heart.
This was written while hungover. If you’re a stranger and you read every word, I believe you are a dog person, and I like you.
Sincerely,
an Insane Woman.
(Daily Writing 097)
Thoughts?